What's up with Anger?
- By Bill Caldwell
- •
- 15 Nov, 2017
Good news...you really ARE the problem!
So I’ve got this friend (let’s call her Marnie, because that’s her name), and we have a tendency to get into long rambling dialogues about arcane topics. A favorite when we are introduced to new people is this one: what is your super power? Not “what would your super power be if you could choose it” but rather what is the weird daily (often inane) thing that you are good at that others would find surprising. Marnie’s is that she is superhumanly good at finding four leaf clovers. Mine is stud finding. In the part of the world I am from studs in walls (those vertical supporting pieces of wood that keep your walls up) are installed on 16 inch centers. That means that every 16 inches you hit the center of a stud (nevermind that this is Canada, that’s just too many centimetres to bother with). For those among you who are mathematically inclined you will realize that the vast majority of the volume of a wall does not contain a stud, or in other words the probability of hitting a stud by chance is significantly lower than not hitting a stud. I could work out the actual probability, but it’s late and no one cares. Suffice it to say that it’s more likely you will just hit drywall and plow through. Not me. Remember that super power? Every time I struck a wall in those angry days of my misspent youth I hit a stud. Every. SIngle. Time.
When I’m giving a talk about anger and the ways that it gets expressed inappropriately, I always pause here and talk about how somehow I must have felt that the wall was at fault. That whatever problem I was facing was somehow due to the insolent behaviour of whatever wall was nearest to me. It’s a good line because it gets a laugh and helps us relate, but it isn't exactly true, is it? I never believed the wall was the problem, I just felt angry, hurt, and victimized and had to lash out. Rage and violence (even toward walls) felt powerful. At least until I hit the stud, and then suddenly not so much. Suddenly I was once again victimized by the universe. And then I was hurt and angry all over again. And this time I was almost certain the wall was part of the plot.
It sounds crazy, right? But I bet you can relate, even just a little. I seem prone to feeling victimized by the universe, by other people, by institutions, the weather, whatever is out of my control. I need to work hard to combat that, because if I am not careful that crazy thinking can easily slip back in. A few months ago I got home from a particularly stressful work day and I was a bit tired. I walk in the house and my wife informs me that the hot water heater has stopped working and I instantly think “I can't believe this, how could this possibly happen today of all days? Like I’m not tired enough life just has to kick me when I’m down.” The thing is that it's ridiculous. My problem that day is that the water heart, in the house that I own, is broken in a way I know how to fix and can afford the parts to repair it. My problem used to be that Iived in a garden shed. So my problem today isn't really a problem by comparison, but I easily forget that. My misery seems to scale to whatever is happening in my life today. I suspect it's why bazillionaires can be unhappy about problems they can easily pay for: part of the human condition seems to predispose us to feeling victimized. It probably served some sort of her or group function when we were newly diverged from our common ancestor with chimps, but today it's just sort of painful and annoying.
So what can be done about it? What could we do differently? Here's a few of the things that have worked for me and continue to work for a lot of the people I have worked with:
Figure out what your anger triggers are, and then work on that.
We tend to think about anger as it’s own thing, when really it is a secondary emotion. Something happens and we feel a certain way and then anger comes in to signal to us that an injustice is happening, or to protect us from fear, etc. Sometimes that first emotion is so quickly replaced by anger that we didn't even know it was there, and we will need to seek out context clues to figure out exactly what triggered it. This is an important process because it will help us shift from believing our own story to getting curious about what is going on underneath. So go ahead and get curious! Think of times you have gotten angry - really angry, and think about why that happened. Think about what you might have experienced emotionally that triggered those feelings in you. However, equally important is to try to be an impartial observer: avoid justifying the reasons you got angry. In fact, I like that so much I will just go ahead and…Avoid creating justifications for your anger.
There is an old saying that goes “Justified anger is a luxury we can't afford.” The problem is that every time I have ever been angry it has been justified - at least to me. Others might have thought it was silly or trivial or weird, but I always believed that my anger was justified. If it wasn't, why would I be angry? Turns out this doesn't help me. Our brains do this great thing where they notice details and patterns that tend to support our opinions and worldviews, but they tend to gate out information that is not important to what we are focussed on. This works in anger by allowing us to be very skilled at casebuilding - seeing only the information that is supporting our anger. We can speak at great length about the injustices being done to us and justify why we should be feeling this angry, but this only serves to keep us stuck. What helps is to work on letting go of our anger, and trying to look at the other side. My friend Judy likes to say: “You can be happy or you can be right”, it took me a long time to realize that one was not contingent on the other. In the end other people do things that affect us for sure, but we get to decide how we think and act about those things. We are always responsible for our own actions, so despite what we all did in grade 3, saying “you are making me angry” and “look what you made me do” doesn't fly.Accept that you really are the problem.
You are responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions. If you really believe that, then you can let go of feeling like a victim and begin to chart your own course. Don't get me wrong, you may have been victimized, you may have been hurt very badly and it may have been entirely out of your control, but the way that you let it affect you is absolutely in your control. You get to decide if you continue to feel like a victim or if you will feel empowered and in command. If you decide that only you can really affect your feelings and actions and that no person has so much power over you that they can make you feel angry, then you can begin to heal and make different decisions. Remember: even anger isn't the problem, its what you do with it that can become the problem.Speaking of which, that stuff you do? It doesn't work as well as you think…
What I mean by this is that your strategies may not be all that effective: I don't think I have ever convinced anyone I was right by increasing the volume at which I delivered my ideas. Sometimes they went away in order to not have to listen to my ranting, but I don't think anyone in history has ever thought: “Oh my, at a lower volume I completely disagreed but now that you are screeching like a lunatic you suddenly have quite a compelling point”. It's never happened. I’ve never been hit hard enough to make me think someone was an awesome guy either. Just saying.Go with what works
If you can start by accepting that anger is a normal feeling, then you start to have some power over what you can do with it. Think back: I bet there has been times where you were able to calm down. I don't mean shove it into a little box and sit on it, I mean actually calm down. If there is a wolverine in your bed, the solution probably isn't to just throw it in the closet and close the door, Hugh Jackman jokes aside. So think back to things that have worked. If nothing worked try one of these:
If you are in the midst of an argument: take a break. Someone perpetuated this lie millennia ago that arguments have to be settled RIGHT NOW! They do not, it is much more productive to say “This is important to me but I don't think we are getting anywhere. Let's take ten minutes and come back to this when I’ve calmed down.” Those ten minutes often bring needed perspective.
Consider if you are getting fired up over something worth getting fired up about. If it's about world hunger, have at er. If it's about who ate the last Oreo, maybe let that one slide.
Take some deep breaths, try to get to a quiet space, and count. Just count. Try to count with your breaths and work on slowing them down. You’re tricking your nervous system into slowing down. Screw off, Nervous System, this is your show!
Sit down and hold somethings mall in your hand. Like a coin. Focus on what that feels like while you breath. Focus on what your weight feels like in the chair. Consciously try to unclench everything. Look around the room and find five things that are green (unless you were fighting about a room being green, then pick a different color or property). You are simultaneously slowing down and tricking your brain into shifting focus. Good work, you tricky person, you.
Be proactive and preemptive: focus on gratitude. Keep a gratitude journal. It sounds hokey, I get it, but it will be very hard in the beginning and then your brain will shift into focussing on things to be grateful for. Its hard to rage and be in gratitude at the same time, so try to find 3 to 5 things a day that you are grateful for. Invest some effort into not getting duplicates. Sounds ridiculous, but trust me. Just try it.
These are just some first steps, it's a long journey to really take ownership and control of your anger. Remember: you are always responsible for what you do. Some of you grew up in broken homes, or addicted homes, or violent homes, or in Stepford. This breeds angry feelings:it's a survival mechanism. The anger gave you a sense of control that you could have been lost without, just many of us have discovered that it's not a useful thing to express it in the old ways anymore. Deep breaths, you’ve got this!
Want to learn more? Visit us at our home on the web: http://www.caldwellhealth.com/lanstan
"Fake it til you make it”. We’ve all heard it, whether from our overly zealous home ec teacher, or from a guy at the gym. It forms the basis of a lot of motivational speaking, and it makes me insane. And not just in a convenient: “Oh that’s tota
l rubbish” kind of way either. It makes me insane because I kinda agree with it at the same time I reject it. What can I say; I’m complicated.
If you are looking to grow and connect with other humans then being fake is your ticket to nowhere. People can smell it, they react to it on an animalistic level. When we meet someone who we perceive as dishonest, fake, or phony our natural reaction is mistrust and discomfort: we are programmed as people to detect a threat here. It creates dissonance between our expectations and the evidence before us, and we naturally reject it. Beyond that, it really gives me the willies. Cue involuntary shudder. If you were to give me the choice between a) spending an evening locked in a small room with phony people only interested in surface-y discussions or b) spending the same amount of time locked in a small room with several snakes and a gentleman hitting me with a 2x4 I would have to ask how many times he would use the 2x4 before I made my decision.
Given all that, you may be wondering why I am bothering with this little gem at all. It’s true that the fake piece makes me nuts, but I also think it happens to contain the secret to success and personal growth all in one handy little platitude. That’s a big claim, so let me tell you why I made it. I’ll start by talking about me, because you know I love to talk about me.
Young Bill was an interesting creature. He spent a lot of time outdoors and a lot of time in his treehouse. He loved spending time with his friends, but would rather contract pancreatitis than attend a social gathering with strangers. We used to have these things called video stores? He would never call them to ask if they had a movie. Paralyzing fear would result, he would assume that they would yell at him and berate him. He would assume he is bothering them. He would not want to waste their time. Actually, looking back I think that I am largely imposing my adult thoughts into my younger self. I'm not sure that at the time i had any clear idea of why I was so scared to call them, I don't think I had any idea what would result, I just had a nebulous unknowable terror. The phone contained Cthulhu, and that was that.
Today is a bit different. I don't love the phone, but now that isn't because of terror it's because I have a harder time connecting on the phone. I like to see people, to experience them in a fuller way, but I don't have the fear. I talk for a living, whether that’s individually in sessions or en masse when doing workshops or lectures. So what happened? What changed?
In the peculiar part of the world I occupy, high school begins at grade 8. For someone living with social anxiety and low self-worth it's a pretty difficult time. Which means that it’s a pretty difficult time for everyone at 12 or 13, except it's even more difficult because no one is telling anyone else that they are also terrified. My mother responded to this in a way that I assumed was meant specifically to torment me and amplify my torture: she made me take drama. She was always very open to basically whatever I wanted to do education wise, but on this point she was curiously stuck: I had to take drama and that was it.
So I did, and I met a teacher who would have the largest single influence on me of anyone outside of my family, but to condense it into a quick story: over time she invited/convinced me to join the student council. And dance. I figured: in for a penny right? Then she dropped a bomb on me: I was going to speak at a school assembly. Public speaking terrified me, the thought of screwing it up horrified me, and the certain knowledge that I would be forever ostracized pretty well capped it. Except again, it wasn’t an option. The topic? School spirit. I don’t remember much about most of the lectures, speeches, or mc gigs I’ve had because I am usually running pretty high on adrenaline and have a great time, but it blurs the edges a bit. I remember this one clearly, and it went well. But I survived it because I acted like a guy who could do it. “Fake it til you make it” I still don’t like, but I can get around that by modifying it like this: “act lke the person you want to be”. I wanted to be a guy who not only survived public speaking but loved it. What would he do? How would he show up? And then I just acted like him. It was easier because it felt like playing a part insulated me just a little from the fear: they couldn’t judge me, just this character i was portraying. It was a handy way to trick my brain.
You can use it the same way, and this is why i think the sentiment behind that troublesome phrase is pure gold. We hear a lot about life hacks, but this is definitely one of my favorite brain hacks: act like the person you want to be.
Do not approach this flippantly, but instead spend a few minutes today really looking at who you want to be down the line. Let’s say five years, just for fun. That is one of those standard job interview questions, right? Where do you see yourself in five years. But that isn’t exactly what I am asking, and I’m clearly biased but I think my question is far more interesting: who do you want to be in five years? What characteristics will you have? Will you be more confident, will you be more at peace with yourself? Do you want to be the kind of person who is known for having strong boundaries? For kindness to friends and family? I once heard Billy Connolly, the Scottish comedian, say that all he really wanted to be was “windswept and interesting”. That hit me a a deep and committed truth: call me anything but boring. Please never that.
So seriously consider what characteristics you would like to have in five years. Write it down somewhere, make a list. Use bullet points if it suits you, it’s your list do whatever you want. But approach it seriously. Would you like to be more fit? Or care less about your body? Do you want to be a better or more supportive parent or child? Less angry? More assertive? Make a list and put it somewhere you can review it daily. I like to take pictures with my cell phone so I can carry them around, but do as you will I don’t need to control you. Just have it somewhere you can review it at least daily, and in the first few weeks a few times a day at least.
Here is where the mind trick comes in. I believe that we are the result of our choices: that what we do determines who we become. Some of these choices are about the friends you keep, some of these are about the way you choose to speak to others and some are about the ways that we allow others to treat us. So whenever in your day you are faced with a choice, you no longer have to decide what to do. Isn't that freeing? You don't need to know what you should do in any situation. All you need to do is imagine what that future, ideal you would do, and then act like that person. I find it much easier to figure out what an older, more confident me would do in most situations.
I think one of the greatest lies that we tell ourselves is some formulation of: “I will do it when I feel better” but in fact we very rarely feel better before we do things. The secret is always action: make some kind of positive forward motion even when you are terrified or sad, or lacking all motivation and energy. Just make some small forward action. The weird thing is that your brain will adapt and one day you will realize that you have become that person and the things that used to scare you or be very difficult are now automatic.
So try it, decide what you want your future self to be like, make a clear list of the characteristics you want them to have. Not the things, not the details of your life, but the characteristics. And then try acting like that person and approaching all your life choices great and small with: “what would they do?” Fake it til you make it? No! But act like the person you want to become? Much better.