How to trick your brain into personal growth

"Fake it til you make it”. We’ve all heard it, whether from our overly zealous home ec teacher, or from a guy at the gym. It forms the basis of a lot of motivational speaking, and it makes me insane. And not just in a convenient: “Oh that’s tota

l rubbish” kind of way either. It makes me insane because I kinda agree with it at the same time I reject it. What can I say; I’m complicated.

If you are looking to grow and connect with other humans then being fake is your ticket to nowhere. People can smell it, they react to it on an animalistic level. When we meet someone who we perceive as dishonest, fake, or phony our natural reaction is mistrust and discomfort: we are programmed as people to detect a threat here. It creates dissonance between our expectations and the evidence before us, and we naturally reject it. Beyond that, it really gives me the willies. Cue involuntary shudder.  If you were to give me the choice between a) spending an evening locked in a small room with phony people only interested in surface-y discussions or b) spending the same amount of time locked in a small room with several snakes and a gentleman hitting me with a 2x4 I would have to ask how many times he would use the 2x4 before I made my decision.

Given all that, you may be wondering why I am bothering with this little gem at all. It’s true that the fake piece makes me nuts, but I also think it happens to contain the secret to success and personal growth all in one handy little platitude. That’s a big claim, so let me tell you why I made it. I’ll start by talking about me, because you know I love to talk about me.

Young Bill was an interesting creature. He spent a lot of time outdoors and a lot of time in his treehouse. He loved spending time with his friends, but would rather contract pancreatitis than attend a social gathering with strangers. We used to have these things called video stores? He would never call them to ask if they had a movie. Paralyzing fear would result, he would assume that they would yell at him and berate him. He would assume he is bothering them. He would not want to waste their time. Actually, looking back I think that I am largely imposing my adult thoughts into my younger self. I'm not sure that at the time i had any clear idea of why I was so scared to call them, I don't think I had any idea what would result, I just had a nebulous unknowable terror. The phone contained Cthulhu, and that was that.

Today is a bit different. I don't love the phone, but now that isn't because of terror it's because I have a harder time connecting on the phone. I like to see people, to experience them in a fuller way, but I don't have the fear. I talk for a living, whether that’s individually in sessions or en masse when doing workshops or lectures. So what happened? What changed?

In the peculiar part of the world I occupy, high school begins at grade 8. For someone living with social anxiety and low self-worth it's a pretty difficult time. Which means that it’s a pretty difficult time for everyone at 12 or 13, except it's even more difficult because no one is telling anyone else that they are also terrified. My mother responded to this in a way that I assumed was meant specifically to torment me and amplify my torture: she made me take drama. She was always very open to basically whatever I wanted to do education wise, but on this point she was curiously stuck: I had to take drama and that was it.

So I did, and I met a teacher who would have the largest single influence on me of anyone outside of my family, but to condense it into a quick story: over time she invited/convinced me to join the student council. And dance. I figured: in for a penny right? Then she dropped a bomb on me: I was going to speak at a school assembly. Public speaking terrified me, the thought of screwing it up horrified me, and the certain knowledge that I would be forever ostracized pretty well capped it. Except again, it wasn’t an option. The topic? School spirit. I don’t remember much about most of the lectures, speeches, or mc gigs I’ve had because I am usually running pretty high on adrenaline and have a great time, but it blurs the edges a bit. I remember this one clearly, and it went well. But I survived it because I acted like a guy who could do it. “Fake it til you make it” I still don’t like, but I can get around that by modifying it like this: “act lke the person you want to be”. I wanted to be a guy who not only survived public speaking but loved it. What would he do? How would he show up? And then I just acted like him. It was easier because it felt like playing a part insulated me just a little from the fear: they couldn’t judge me, just this character i was portraying. It was a handy way to trick my brain.

You can use it the same way, and this is why i think the sentiment behind that troublesome phrase is pure gold. We hear a lot about life hacks, but this is definitely one of my favorite brain hacks: act like the person you want to be.

Do not approach this flippantly, but instead spend a few minutes today really looking at who you want to be down the line. Let’s say five years, just for fun. That is one of those standard job interview questions, right? Where do you see yourself in five years. But that isn’t exactly what I am asking, and I’m clearly biased but I think my question is far more interesting: who do you want to be in five years? What characteristics will you have? Will you be more confident, will you be more at peace with yourself? Do you want to be the kind of person who is known for having strong boundaries? For kindness to friends and family? I once heard Billy Connolly, the Scottish comedian, say that all he really wanted to be was “windswept and interesting”. That hit me a a deep and committed truth: call me anything but boring. Please never that.

So seriously consider what characteristics you would like to have in five years. Write it down somewhere, make a list. Use bullet points if it suits you, it’s your list do whatever you want. But approach it seriously. Would you like to be more fit? Or care less about your body? Do you want to be a better or more supportive parent or child? Less angry? More assertive? Make a list and put it somewhere you can review it daily. I like to take pictures with my cell phone so I can carry them around, but do as you will I don’t need to control you. Just have it somewhere you can review it at least daily, and in the first few weeks a few times a day at least.

Here is where the mind trick comes in. I believe that we are the result of our choices: that what we do determines who we become. Some of these choices are about the friends you keep, some of these are about the way you choose to speak to others and some are about the ways that we allow others to treat us. So whenever in your day you are faced with a choice, you no longer have to decide what to do. Isn't that freeing? You don't need to know what you should do in any situation. All you need to do is imagine what that future, ideal you would do, and then act like that person. I find it much easier to figure out what an older, more confident me would do in most situations.

I think one of the greatest lies that we tell ourselves is some formulation of: “I will do it when I feel better” but in fact we very rarely feel better before we do things. The secret is always action: make some kind of positive forward motion even when you are terrified or sad, or lacking all motivation and energy. Just make some small forward action. The weird thing is that your brain will adapt and one day you will realize that you have become that person and the things that used to scare you or be very difficult are now automatic.

So try it, decide what you want your future self to be like, make a clear list of the characteristics you want them to have. Not the things, not the details of your life, but the characteristics. And then try acting like that person and approaching all your life choices great and small with: “what would they do?” Fake it til you make it? No! But act like the person you want to become? Much better.

Whenever he is not gazing smugly into the distance, Bill Caldwell is a counsellor, speaker, and consultant on all things mental health and personal growth. He is the founder of Caldwell Health Services, a company that provides counselling and coaching that you can do from home in your jammies. 
For more info head over to the website: www.caldwellhealth.com/lanstan